"It is unreasonable to expect children to sit quietly for hours on end..." ~"Traveling at home and abroad" 1922 ed.

My mother wants grandchildren. This is something that I am admittedly dragging my feet on (only partly due to circumstance). I'm sure children are lovely and husbands are charming; however, I'm not entirely convinced they will fit into my (eventually to be) leisurely lifestyle. From what I can tell, they pick their noses and scratch their butts and then they get upset when you don't want to hold their hands. They expect you to clean up after them, take care of them and make them the center of your universe. And then there are the children. Those adorable tykes do all of the above and then want you to drive them around. I'm told it's all worth it. Obviously I've been pretty skeptical about the benefits of the whole husband/children combo...until this week.

Congratulations Mom! I have finally discovered the perks of a family and may seriously begin thinking about considering buying into the whole hype at some point in the future. Here are the benefits to procreation as I can tell from this weeks events:

1. Tax deduction. I did find that I qualify for low income tax filing, but I think that "check for dependents" box gets you a few more bucks on the return. Frankly, I think I should get a bigger deduction for leaving a smaller carbon footprint.

2. The ability to look at single/childless people with "the head tilt" and say things like, "You'd understand if you had kids," and, "I just don't have the time. I have a family." It's like having a tax deductible, get out of jail free card!

3. Free labor. My friend's kid loves to play a game called "Cinderella." This consists of Mommy bossing her around in a mean voice while the kid sweeps the floor, does the dishes, dusts, etc. The kid actually asks to play this game.

4. Children are the only people who can finagle candy free candy out of the neighbors on Halloween. Obviously, this will be covertly confiscated one piece at a time and all of the chocolate will look a little too suspicious for them to eat.

5. I get to try and make someone as sarcastic as I am.

*Keep in mind that this could all change as soon as I figure out how many pairs of Manolos can be purchased with the money I'd save not having to pay for dance/soccer/football lessons.*

Fondest regards,

The Lady