It's quite possible that I am the worst blogger ever. I considered just giving up, but then all 3 of you that read this demanded a new post. I'll try to be more faithful. Here goes.

First, I have moved to a real-life, big girl apartment with a bedroom that is separate from the living room. The kitchen is also twice as big as the one in my former studio apartment and features a full size stove and oven plus drip pans for the burners. That's right, folks, no more rigging tinfoil drip pans! Isn't my life glamorous?! There are only three down sides to this apartment over the other: 1) My new upstairs neighbors are very bad insomniac musicians. I miss the awesome bass player who only practiced in the afternoon. 2) I now have way more wall space than I know what to do with. I'm sure American Express will be more than eager to help me out with this dilemma. 3) My bedroom closet is half the size of my old one. No lie, this sent me into a bit of a panic attack at first; however, my friend B- found another closet that had been hiding from me. I now have 2 clothes closets, but I am still unable to fit all of my clothes in. It's possible that I have

too many. All that said, I love my new place and am eager to get all the furniture and decor necessary to make it feel a little homier. The kitchen is finished and is by far my favorite room. It has blue laminate counter tops.

Second, I played a game of muggle quidditch yesterday for my friend J-'s birthday. Of the three girls there, I was the only one without a husband. Of the 12 or so boys there, I'm pretty sure their husbands were the only ones with wives. It may just have been me, but I felt a little bit like it was a meat market and I was the cow. Part of this had to do with the fact that B- is trying to set me up with one of the people that was there. This was particularly awkward as both parties were aware of her intentions; however, we cannot admit knowledge of this plan. I felt a bit like I was auditioning for a date or something. I will, of course keep you updated if anything hilarious comes of this.

Last, I found this at the store. It is wine from Cupcake vineyards. It is also sideways because I am dumb and I don't know how to work a computer. Exciting, nonetheless.

Fondest Regards (with promises of more blog to come),

The Lady

"In olden days...a young girl’s social success was invariably measured by her popularity in a ballroom." Etiquette. "The Debutante." 1922.

It's been well over a year since my last date. This is a phenomenon I haven't really figured out. True, I'm not so great at flirting or sharing my feelings, etc.; however, I am smart, funny, I love sports, and I'm pretty cute. Basically I'm the best catch I know, so it's beyond me that every guy I meet doesn't want to date me. Maybe someone can give me some insight or deflate my ego a bit, but I'm pretty sure my confusion is justified on this one.

Needless to say, I was pretty excited the other night when my neighbor told me he's been wanting to ask me to "coffee or something" for months now. This neighbor looks a little bit like Paul McCartney circa Yellow Submarine and I've kind of been hoping for a while that something like this would happen. so Yay!, right? Wrong. Here's how the whole conversation went:

Me: (watching him load boxes into his car) You're moving?

Paul: Yeah, back to Charleston.

Me: Aww...well...bummer.

Paul: Blah, blah blah...

Me: Meaningless chit-chat

Paul: So this is kinda silly, but I've been wanting to ask you to get coffee or something for months now, but every time I see you I get tongue tied.

Me: Really? Are you kidding me? I've been waiting for this for months and now you ask right before you FREAKING MOVE 5 HOURS AWAY?!?!?! Way to go!!!

Okay, so I didn't really say exactly that, but it's definitely what I was thinking. We are talking about 2 grown-ups (do grown-ups say grown-ups?) and a simple cup of coffee. What the heck do you have to lose? Oh, yeah...8 months of getting to know me, THAT'S WHAT! I gave him my number anyway, but something tells me this isn't going to work out. Oh well, he's a cat person anyway.

To cap it off, my friends came to pick me up for dinner as I was giving Paul my number. When I say, "My friends showed up," I am referring to 4 boys donning sunglasses with windows down and early 90's rap blaring. I looked at them and back at Paul. Paul looked at them and back at me. "Well, that's my ride," I said, and I'm pretty sure that was that. Here's to another dateless year, folks! If you need me, I'll be hanging out with my friends who always reassure me that I am, indeed, as great a catch as I believe myself to be.

Fondest regards,

The Lady

"If it is her birthday and other children bring her gifts, she must say Thank You politely." The Kindergarten of Etiquette. 1922.

This aspiring Lady of Leisah celebrates her birthday in less than a week and I've been considering what to treat myself to this year. My car, aptly named "Help-Me-Honda," could sure use two new tires and a maintenance check to go with that new registration sticker she's sporting. I could also get myself a cholesterol check, that'd be a blast! Of course, I will be moving on up to a one bedroom (that's right, a whole seperate bedroom!) apartment in a couple of weeks which means I could treat myself to some swanky new ikea furniture. Now, I know what you're thinking, "What do I get the girl who needs everything?" Fear not! I have a few last minute suggestions for you. This is probably a HUGE Emily faux don't, but I figured I'd help you out a little bit anyway. Here are just a few things that every aspiring LOL ought to have but may not be in the cards for me this year:

A nice cocktail ring. I have been lusting after this particular gem from Tiffany's for a little while now. As you can clearly tell, this is really more of a starter ring (after all, I don't want to be greedy). A real and true, full-fledged LOL cocktail ring obviously features a diamond, emerald, sapphire, etc. and not quartz. This, however, would suit quite nicely for an aspiring LOL who lacks a wealthy husband to purchase it for her.

A charming, quaint little cottage South of Broad. If you would like to throw in the charming 20 something heir who recently obtained is JD at Vanderbilt or any other respectable Southern school, I wouldn't turn it down.

Shoes. Duh.

Of course, I never turn down a good cupcake, book, drink, dinner, or anything else for that matter. It's just not good form. In return for your generous gift giving you will, of course, receive a prompt and warm Thank-You note on adorable stationary. Happy shopping!

Fondest Regards,

The Lady

"as a rule those who have been all day in the open are tired and drowsy and want nothing but to stretch out for a while..."

There is an AMAZING cuban restaurant across the street from my apartment...well, room. It's almost entirely outdoor seating, so on nice nights there are always a ton of people there having a fantastic time. Tonight was beautiful and the food smelled delicious as I walked past it, yeah, past it on my way to the gas station to pick up a pint of Ben and Jerry's. How cliche am I? Friday night and I am alone in my salon watching TLC wedding shows with a pint of B&J. Hmmmm. I feel like I should remedy this, but I am just so tired. Frankly, I'm pretty thankful to not have anything to do tonight. It's been a rough week.

You know those weeks when it's just one thing after another and you just want to cry because you need 10 minutes to run to the post office to buy stamps, but 10 free minutes seem to be impossible to come by? Yeah. Really, it wasn't that bad. I did find time to go to 2 group fitness classes (woo hoo!) and go see Oceans last night between working at church and caring for a puking 6 year old. I did find time today to run my errands (including a stop ay Barnes and Noble to buy the latest Garden and Gun!!!), but now I am ready to chill. Sometimes there's nothing better than a Friday night alone with the TV and a pint.

"...if it is warm, they swim in the pool..." ~Etiquette. 1922

Apologies for being such a negligent blogger. I kept wanting to post about the funny things happening in my life, but I simply could not find a way to do it without offending. For instance, my mother keeping me up until 1 a.m. before she revealed that she was not in the ER with a broken pelvis. It was, in fact, a twisted ankle. It was a funny post, but I love my mommy and she's one of the three people that read this. It was a good post. Call me some time and I'll tell you the story with my added flair. Hope you're feeling better, Mom!!!

Instead of offending people with my insensitivity, (which Emily would poo-poo) I shall regale you with tales of my oh-so-Southern weekend. It was delightful and much needed after my worst day ever at work. I used to take people's homes for a living, but Friday morning I was asked to do the most inhumane, cruel task ever...prepare for a church breakfast. This meant hours and hours of cooking pound after pound of bacon. Did I get to eat any? NO!!! Needless to say, I had to consider quitting because who can be expected to work under these conditions?! After such a stressful day, it was necessary to allow my married friends and C- to kidnap me to some barbeque at the Butt-Hutt and a night of line dancing at the local honky-tonk. I think my friends were surprised at how much I enjoyed it. CB's reaction, "It was so much trashier than I thought it would be." My reaction, "Really, I expected it to be way more redneck than that." Folks, there were a mere 3 NASCAR models hanging from the ceiling. I expected twice that.

Saturday, after dragging...dragging myself out of bed and going to church breakfast at 6:30, I went home and took a luxurious 3 hour nap/sleep in since I never really woke up. Quick wardrobe change and shift from bed to pool and I slept for a few more hours. Sooo leisurely. I love warm weather and living in Georgia! It's a good thing I got so much rest because my friend A- and I then hit up Jot-em-Down for some more BBQ (remember, I cooked a ton of bacon I was not allowed to eat. Besides, you really can't have too much que!). Then we went to the rodeo. I LOVE THE RODEO! There are horses, country music, and cowboys everywhere. It was a blast, but again, I think I shocked my friends with my penchant for not-so-ladylike things. Apparently I do a pretty good job of making people believe I'm classier than I really am. Don't tell Emily!

I made up for my redneckery on Sunday with what I'm certain would be an Emily approved Southahn Lady of Leisah day. The United Methodist Women had their annual luncheon where the guest speaker lectured on flowers of the Bible. Seventh Heaven for yours truly! I also got to meet and schmooze with some of the Church Ladies. They intimidate me a little bit, but I stepped up and I'm pretty sure they like me. Maybe I'll get invited to join a garden club...in my dreams. Afterwards, I went to get my nails done. At the honky-tonk, C- pointed out that my nails always look impeccable, so I was feeling a little self-conscious and had to get them filled in and painted in a new springy lavender. This was followed by a few more hours at the pool. When I am an official LOL, I will have a pool!

Funny story of the day: I spoke to some of the UMWs about our upcoming mission trip. They are real life LOLs, so I was totally intimidated, but I charmed the pantsuits off of 'em. When it was done, one of them was telling me how excited she was for us as she was giving me a hug. The thing is, she was so short that instead of patting my back, she was patting my butt. It was so awkward, but I kept a smile on my face that would've made Miss Post proud!

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack...

Spring means 2 things in the south: pollen and baseball. When I am a full-fledged Lady of Leisure, I will have season tickets Braves games and will spend hundreds of delicious spring hours watching them. Yesterday I practiced my LOL skills by pretending I don't have a job and going to the Braves season opener. This means I not only witnessed Jason Heyward's epic "Hey, y'all" premier big-league at bat and see Hammerin' Hank toss out the first pitch, but I got some serious tailgating time in. I got a little sunburned (something a good LOL should try to prevent) and I was exhausted all day today, but it's a small price to pay for eight hours of baseball, food, and great friends. More on tailgating and baseball later, I'm sure, but right now I must get my beauty sleep. Gotta get to the gym early to burn off those tailgate calories.

Fondest Regards,

The Lady

"It is unreasonable to expect children to sit quietly for hours on end..." ~"Traveling at home and abroad" 1922 ed.

My mother wants grandchildren. This is something that I am admittedly dragging my feet on (only partly due to circumstance). I'm sure children are lovely and husbands are charming; however, I'm not entirely convinced they will fit into my (eventually to be) leisurely lifestyle. From what I can tell, they pick their noses and scratch their butts and then they get upset when you don't want to hold their hands. They expect you to clean up after them, take care of them and make them the center of your universe. And then there are the children. Those adorable tykes do all of the above and then want you to drive them around. I'm told it's all worth it. Obviously I've been pretty skeptical about the benefits of the whole husband/children combo...until this week.

Congratulations Mom! I have finally discovered the perks of a family and may seriously begin thinking about considering buying into the whole hype at some point in the future. Here are the benefits to procreation as I can tell from this weeks events:

1. Tax deduction. I did find that I qualify for low income tax filing, but I think that "check for dependents" box gets you a few more bucks on the return. Frankly, I think I should get a bigger deduction for leaving a smaller carbon footprint.

2. The ability to look at single/childless people with "the head tilt" and say things like, "You'd understand if you had kids," and, "I just don't have the time. I have a family." It's like having a tax deductible, get out of jail free card!

3. Free labor. My friend's kid loves to play a game called "Cinderella." This consists of Mommy bossing her around in a mean voice while the kid sweeps the floor, does the dishes, dusts, etc. The kid actually asks to play this game.

4. Children are the only people who can finagle candy free candy out of the neighbors on Halloween. Obviously, this will be covertly confiscated one piece at a time and all of the chocolate will look a little too suspicious for them to eat.

5. I get to try and make someone as sarcastic as I am.

*Keep in mind that this could all change as soon as I figure out how many pairs of Manolos can be purchased with the money I'd save not having to pay for dance/soccer/football lessons.*

Fondest regards,

The Lady